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a life were not likely to be altered at the end of a life？ Surelyif I
had exerted my intelligenceI might have foreseen that the longer his
reformation lasted； the nearer he was to a relapse； and the more
obviously probable it became that he would fail to fulfill the hopeful
expectations which I had cherished of his conduct in the future？ I grant
it all。 But where are the pattern people who can exert their
intelligencewhen their intelligence points to one conclusion； and their
interests to another？ Ah； my dear ladies and gentlemen； there is such a
fine strong foundation of stupidity at the bottom of our common
humanityif we only knew it！
I could feel no hesitationas soon as I had recovered myselfabout what
it was my duty to do。 My duty was to leave Dimchurch in time to catch the
fast mail…train from London to the Continent； at eight o'clock that
night。
And leave Lucilla？
Yes！ not even Lucilla's interestsdearly as I loved her； alarmed as I
felt about herwere as sacred as the interests which called me to my
father's bedside。 I had some hours to spare before it would be necessary
for me to leave her。 All I could do was to employ those hours in taking
the strictest precautions I could think of to protect her in my absence。
I could not be long parted from her。 One way or the other； the miserable
doubt whether my father would live or die； would； at his age； soon be
over。
I sent for her to see me in my room； and showed her my letter。
She was honestly grieved when she read it。 For a momentwhen she spoke
her few words of sympathythe painful constraint in her manner towards
me passed away。 It returned again； when I announced my intention of
starting for France that day； and expressed the regret I felt at being
obliged to defer our visit to Ramsgate for the present。 She not only
answered restrainedly （forming； as I fancied； some thought at the moment
in her own mind）she left me； with a commonplace excuse。 〃You must have
much to think of in this sad affliction： I won't intrude on you any
longer。 If you want me； you know where to find me。〃 With no more than
those words； she walked out of the room。
I never remember； at any other time； such a sense of helplessness and
confusion as came over me when she had closed the door。 I set to work to
pack up the few things I wanted for the journey； feeling instinctively
that if I did not occupy myself in doing something； I should break down
altogether。 Accustomed in all the other emergencies of my life； to decide
rapidly； I was not even clear enough in my mind to see the facts as they
were。 As to resolving on anything； I was about as capable of doing that
as the baby in Mrs。 Finch's arms。
The effort of packing aided me to rally a littlebut did no more towards
restoring me to my customary tone of mind。
I sat down helplessly； when I had done； feeling the serious necessity of
clearing matters up between Lucilla and myself； before I went away； and
still as ignorant as ever how to do it。 To my own indescribable disgust；
I actually felt tears beginning to find their way into my eyes！ I had
just enough of Pratolungo's widow left in me to feel heartily ashamed of
myself。 Past vicissitudes and dangers； in the days of my republican life
with my husband； had made me a sturdy walkerwith a gypsy relish （like
my little Jicks） for the open air。 I snatched up my hat； and went out； to
see what exercise would do for me。
I tried the garden。 No！ the garden was （for some inscrutable reason） not
big enough。 I had still some hours to spare。 I tried the hills next。
Turning towards the left； and passing the church； I heard through the
open windows the _boom…boom_ of Reverend Finch's voice； catechizing the
village children。 Thank Heaven； he was out of my way at any rate！ I
mounted the hills； hurrying on as fast as I could。 The air and the
movement cleared my mind。 After more than an hour of hard walking； I
returned to the rectory； feeling like my old self again。
Perhaps； there were some dregs of irresolution still left in me。 Or；
perhaps； there was some enervating influence in my affliction； which made
me feel more sensitively than ever the change in the relations between
Lucilla and myself。 Having； by this time； resolved to come to a plain
explanation； before I left her unprotected at the rectory； I shrank； even
yet； from confronting a possible repulse； by speaking to her personally。
Taking a leaf out of poor Oscar's book； I wrote what I wanted to say to
her in a note。
I rang the bellonce； twice。 Nobody answered it。
I went to the kitchen。 Zillah was not there。 I knocked at the door of her
bed…room。 There was no answer： the bed…room was empty when I looked in。
Awkward as it would be； I found myself obliged； either to give my note to
Lucilla with my own hand； or to decide on speaking to her； after all。
I could not prevail on myself to speak to her。 So I went to her room with
my note； and knocked at the door。
Here again there was no reply。 I knocked once morewith the same result。
I looked in。 There was no one in the room。 On the little table at the
foot of the bed； there lay a letter addressed to me。 The writing was in
Zillah's hand。 But Lucilla had written her name in the corner in the
usual way； to show that she had dictated the letter to her nurse。 A load
was lifted off my heart as I took it up。 The same idea （I concluded） had
occurred to her which had occurred to me。 She too had shrunk from the
embarrassment of a personal explanation。 She too had writtenand was
keeping out of the way until her letter had spoken for her； and had
united us again as friends before I left the house。
With these pleasant anticipations； I opened the letter。 Judge what I felt
when I found what it really contained。
〃DEAR MADAME PRATOLUNGO；You will agree with me； that it is very
important； after what Herr Grosse has said about the recovery of my
sight； that my visit to Ramsgate should not be delayed。 As you are
unable； through circumstances which I sincerely regret； to accompany me
to the sea…side； I have determined to go to London to my aunt； Miss
Batchford； and to ask her to be my companion instead of you。 I have had
experience enough of her sincere affection for me to be quite sure that
she will gladly take the charge of me off your hands。 As no time is to be
lost； I start for London without waiting for your return from your walk
to wish you good…bye。 You so thoroughly understand the necessity of
dispensing with formal farewells； in cases of emergency； that I am sure
you will not feel offended at my taking leave of you in this way。 With
best wishes for your father's recovery； believe me；
〃Yours very truly；
〃LUCILLA。
〃P。 S。You need be under no apprehension about me。 Zillah goes with me
as far as London； and I shall communicate with Herr Grosse when I arrive
at my aunt's house。〃
But for one sentence in it； I should most assuredly have answered this
cruel letter by instantly resigning my situation as Lucilla's companion。
The sentence to which I refer； contained the words which cast in my teeth
the excuses that I had made for Oscar's absence。 The sarcastic reference
to my recent connection with a ca