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calculations to the winds。 He turned so deadly pale that； dim as the
light was； I could see the change in his face。
〃I don't believe you！〃 he said。
〃Present yourself at the rectory tomorrow；〃 I answered〃and you will
see。 I have no more to say to you。 Let me by。〃
You may suppose I was only trying to frighten him。 I was doing nothing of
the sort。 Blame me； or approve of me； as you please； I was expressing the
resolution which I had in my mind when I spoke。 Whether my courage would
have held out through the walk from Browndown to the rectorywhether I
should have shrunk from it when I actually found myself in Lucilla's
presenceis more than I can venture to decide。 All I say is that I did；
in my desperation； positively mean doing it； at the moment when I
threatened to do itand that Nugent Dubourg heard something in my voice
which told him I was in earnest。
〃You fiend！〃 he burst out； stepping close up to me with a look of fury。
The whole passionate fervour of the love that the miserable wretch felt
for her； shook him from head to foot； as his horror of me found its way
to expression in those two words。
〃Spare me your opinion of my character；〃 I said。 〃I don't expect _you_
to understand the motives of an honest woman。 For the last time； let me
by！〃
Instead of letting me by； he locked the door； and put the key in his
pocket。 That done； he pointed to the chair that I had left。
〃Sit down；〃 he said； with a sudden sinking in his voice which implied a
sudden change in his temper。 〃Let me have a minute to myself。〃
I returned to my place。 He took his own chair on the other side of the
table； and covered his face with his hands。 We waited awhile in silence。
I looked at him； once or twice； as the minutes followed each other。 The
shaded lamp…light glistened dimly on something between his fingers。 I
rose softly； and stretched across the table to look closer。 Tears！ On my
word of honor； tears forcing their way through his fingers； as he held
them over his face！ I had been on the point of speaking。 I sat down again
in silence。
〃Say what you want of me。 Tell me what you wish me to do。〃 Those were his
first words。 He spoke them without moving his hands； so quietly； so
sadly； with such hopeless sorrow； such uncomplaining resignation in his
voice； that I； who had entered that room； hating him； rose again； and
went round to his chair。 Iwho a minute ago； if I had had the strength；
would have struck him down on the floor at my feetlaid my hand on his
shoulder； pitying him from the bottom of my heart。 That is what women
are！ There is a specimen of their sense； firmness； and self…control！
〃Be just； Nugent；〃 I said。 〃Be honorable。 Be all that I once thought you。
I want no more。〃
He dropped his arms on the table： his head fell on them； and he burst
into a fit of crying。 It was so like his brother； that I could almost
have fancied I； too； had mistaken one of them for the other。 〃Oscar over
again；〃 I thought to myself； 〃on the first day when I spoke to him in
this very room！〃
〃Come！〃 I said； when he was quieter。 We shall end in understanding each
other and respecting each other after all。〃
He irritably shook my hand off his shoulder； and turned his face away
from the light。
〃Don't talk of understanding _me；_〃 he said。 〃Your sympathy is for Oscar。
He is the victim； he is the martyr； he has all your consideration and all
your pity。 I am a coward； I am a villain； I have no honor and no heart。
Tread Me under foot like a reptile。 _My_ misery is only what I deserve！
Compassion is thrown awayisn't it？on such a scoundrel as I am？〃
I was sorely puzzled how to answer him。 All that he had said against
himself； I had thought of him in my own mind。 And why not？ He _had_
behaved infamouslyhe _was_ a fit object for righteous indignation。 And
yetand yetit is sometimes so very hard； however badly a man may have
behaved； for women to hold out against forgiving him； when they know that
a woman is at the bottom of it。
〃Whatever I may have thought of you；〃 I said； 〃it is still in your power；
Nugent； to win back my old regard for you。〃
〃Is it？〃 he answered scornfully。 〃I know better than that。 You are not
talking to Oscar nowyou are talking to a man who has had some
experience of women。 I know how you all hold to your opinions because
they are your opinionswithout asking yourselves whether they are right
or wrong。 There are men who could understand me and pity me。 No woman can
do it。 The best and cleverest among you don't know what love isas a man
feels it。 It isn't the frenzy with You that it is with Us。 It
acknowledges restraints in a womanit bursts through everything in a
man。 It robs him of his intelligence； his honor； his self…respectit
levels him with the brutesit debases him into idiocyit lashes him
into madness。 I tell you I am not accountable for my own actions。 The
kindest thing you could do for me would be to shut me up in a madhouse。
The best thing I could do for myself would be to cut my throat。Oh； yes！
this is a shocking way of talking； isn't it？ I ought to struggle against
itas you say。 I ought to summon my self…control。 Ha！ ha！ ha！ Here is a
clever womanhere is an experienced woman。 And yetthough she has seen
me in Lucilla's company hundreds of timesshe has never once discovered
the signs of a struggle in me！ From the moment when I first saw that
heavenly creature； it has been one long fight against myself； one
infernal torment of shame and remorse； and this clever friend of mine has
observed so little and knows so little； that she can only view my conduct
in one lightit is the conduct of a coward and a villain！〃
He got up； and took a turn in the room。 I wasnaturally； I thinka
little irritated by his way of putting it。 A man assuming to know more
about love than a woman！ Was there ever such a monstrous perversion of
the truth as that？ I appeal to the women！
〃You ought to be the last person to blame me；〃 I said。 〃I had too high an
opinion of you to suspect what was going on。 I will never make the same
mistake againI promise you that！〃
He came back； and stood still in front of me； looking me hard in the
face。
〃Do you really mean to say you saw nothing to set you thinking； on the
day when I first met her？〃 he asked。 〃You were there in the roomdidn't
you see that she struck me dumb？ Did you notice nothing suspicious at a
later time？ When I was suffering martyrdom； if I only looked at herwas
there nothing to be seen in me which told its own tale？〃
〃I noticed that you were never at your ease with her；〃 I replied。 〃But I
liked you and trusted youand I failed to understand it。 That's all。〃
〃Did you fail to understand everything that followed？ Didn't I speak to
her father？ Didn't I try to hasten Oscar's marriage？〃
It was true。 He _had_ tried。
〃When we first talked of his telling Lucilla of the discoloration of his
face； did I not agree with you that he ought to put himself right with
her； in his own interests？〃
True again。 Impossible to deny that he had sided with my view。
〃When she all but found it out for herself； whose influence was used to
make him own it？ Mine！ What did I do； when he tried to confess it； a