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never argue down a single button from his clothes。 I have often wanted
him to throw off his great flaxen wig； and where he was bald； to plaster it
over； like my Lord Pately； with powder。
HASTINGS。 You are right； madam； for； as among the ladies there
are none ugly； so among the men there are none old。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 But what do you think his answer was？
Why； with his usual Gothic vivacity； he said I only wanted him to throw
off his wig； to convert it into a tete for my own wearing。
HASTINGS。 Intolerable！ At your age you may wear what you
please； and it must become you。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Pray； Mr。 Hastings； what do you take to be
the most fashionable age about town？
HASTINGS。 Some time ago； forty was all the mode； but I'm told the
ladies intend to bring up fifty for the ensuing winter。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Seriously。 Then I shall be too young for
the fashion。
HASTINGS。 No lady begins now to put on jewels till she's past forty。
For instance； Miss there； in a polite circle； would be considered as a child；
as a mere maker of samplers。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 And yet Mrs。 Niece thinks herself as much a
woman； and is as fond of jewels； as the oldest of us all。
HASTINGS。 Your niece； is she？ And that young gentleman； a
brother of yours； I should presume？
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 My son； sir。 They are contracted to each
other。 Observe their little sports。 They fall in and out ten times a day；
as if they were man and wife already。 （To them。） Well； Tony； child；
what soft things are you saying to your cousin Constance this evening？
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TONY。 I have been saying no soft things； but that it's very hard to be
followed about so。 Ecod！ I've not a place in the house now that's left to
myself； but the stable。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Never mind him； Con； my dear。 He's in
another story behind your back。
MISS NEVILLE。 There's something generous in my cousin's manner。
He falls out before faces to be forgiven in private。
TONY。 That's a damned confoundedcrack。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Ah！ he's a sly one。 Don't you think they are
like each other about the mouth； Mr。 Hastings？ The Blenkinsop mouth to
a T。 They're of a size too。 Back to back； my pretties； that Mr。 Hastings
may see you。 Come； Tony。
TONY。 You had as good not make me； I tell you。 （Measuring。）
MISS NEVILLE。 O lud！ he has almost cracked my head。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 O； the monster！ For shame； Tony。 You a
man； and behave so！
TONY。 If I'm a man； let me have my fortin。 Ecod！ I'll not be made
a fool of no longer。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Is this； ungrateful boy； all that I'm to get for
the pains I have taken in your education？ I that have rocked you in your
cradle； and fed that pretty mouth with a spoon！ Did not I work that
waistcoat to make you genteel？ Did not I prescribe for you every day；
and weep while the receipt was operating？
TONY。 Ecod！ you had reason to weep； for you have been dosing me
ever since I was born。 I have gone through every receipt in the Complete
Huswife ten times over； and you have thoughts of coursing me through
Quincy next spring。 But； ecod！ I tell you； I'll not be made a fool of no
longer。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Wasn't it all for your good； viper？ Wasn't it
all for your good？
TONY。 I wish you'd let me and my good alone； then。 Snubbing this
way when I'm in spirits。 If I'm to have any good； let it come of itself； not
to keep dinging it； dinging it into one so。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 That's false； I never see you when you're in
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spirits。 No； Tony； you then go to the alehouse or kennel。 I'm never to
be delighted with your agreeable wild notes； unfeeling monster！
TONY。 Ecod！ mamma； your own notes are the wildest of the two。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Was ever the like？ But I see he wants to
break my heart； I see he does。
HASTINGS。 Dear madam； permit me to lecture the young
gentleman a little。 I'm certain I can persuade him to his duty。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Well； I must retire。 Come； Constance； my
love。 You see； Mr。 Hastings； the wretchedness of my situation： was ever
poor woman so plagued with a dear sweet； pretty； provoking； undutiful
boy？ ＇Exeunt MRS。 HARDCASTLE and MISS NEVILLE。＇
TONY。 （Singing。） 〃There was a young man riding by； and fain
would have his will。 Rang do didlo dee。〃Don't mind her。 Let her
cry。 It's the comfort of her heart。 I have seen her and sister cry over a
book for an hour together； and they said they liked the book the better the
more it made them cry。
HASTINGS。 Then you're no friend to the ladies； I find； my pretty
young gentleman？
TONY。 That's as I find 'um。
HASTINGS。 Not to her of your mother's choosing； I dare answer？
And yet she appears to me a pretty well…tempered girl。
TONY。 That's because you don't know her as well as I。 Ecod！ I
know every inch about her； and there's not a more bitter cantankerous toad
in all Christendom。
HASTINGS。 （Aside。） Pretty encouragement this for a lover！
TONY。 I have seen her since the height of that。 She has as many
tricks as a hare in a thicket； or a colt the first day's breaking。
HASTINGS。 To me she appears sensible and silent。
TONY。 Ay； before company。 But when she's with her playmate；
she's as loud as a hog in a gate。
HASTINGS。 But there is a meek modesty about her that charms me。
TONY。 Yes； but curb her never so little； she kicks up； and you're
flung in a ditch。
HASTINGS。 Well； but you must allow her a little beauty。Yes； you
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must allow her some beauty。
TONY。 Bandbox！ She's all a