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not have minded it。 I never mind going through anything；
where a friend is concerned； that is my disposition；
and John is just the same； he has amazing strong feelings。
Good heavens！ What a delightful hand you have got！ Kings；
I vow！ I never was so happy in my life！ I would fifty times
rather you should have them than myself。〃
And now I may dismiss my heroine to the
sleepless couch； which is the true heroine's portion；
to a pillow strewed with thorns and wet with tears。
And lucky may she think herself； if she get another
good night's rest in the course of the next three months。
CHAPTER 12
〃Mrs。 Allen；〃 said Catherine the next morning；
〃will there be any harm in my calling on Miss Tilney today？
I shall not be easy till I have explained everything。〃
〃Go； by all means； my dear； only put on a white gown；
Miss Tilney always wears white。〃
Catherine cheerfully complied； and being properly equipped；
was more impatient than ever to be at the pump…room；
that she might inform herself of General Tilneys lodgings；
for though she believed they were in Milsom Street；
she was not certain of the house； and Mrs。 Allen's wavering
convictions only made it more doubtful。 To Milsom Street she
was directed； and having made herself perfect in the number；
hastened away with eager steps and a beating heart
to pay her visit； explain her conduct； and be forgiven；
tripping lightly through the church…yard； and resolutely
turning away her eyes； that she might not be obliged to see
her beloved Isabella and her dear family； who； she had
reason to believe； were in a shop hard by。 She reached
the house without any impediment； looked at the number；
knocked at the door； and inquired for Miss Tilney。
The man believed Miss Tilney to be at home； but was not
quite certain。 Would she be pleased to send up her name？
She gave her card。 In a few minutes the servant returned；
and with a look which did not quite confirm his words；
said he had been mistaken； for that Miss Tilney was
walked out。 Catherine； with a blush of mortification；
left the house。 She felt almost persuaded that Miss
Tilney was at home； and too much offended to admit her；
and as she retired down the street； could not withhold
one glance at the drawing…room windows； in expectation
of seeing her there； but no one appeared at them。
At the bottom of the street； however； she looked back again；
and then； not at a window； but issuing from the door；
she saw Miss Tilney herself。 She was followed by
a gentleman； whom Catherine believed to be her father；
and they turned up towards Edgar's Buildings。
Catherine； in deep mortification； proceeded on her way。
She could almost be angry herself at such angry incivility；
but she checked the resentful sensation； she remembered
her own ignorance。 She knew not how such an offence as hers
might be classed by the laws of worldly politeness； to what
a degree of unforgivingness it might with propriety lead；
nor to what rigours of rudeness in return it might justly
make her amenable。
Dejected and humbled； she had even some thoughts of not
going with the others to the theatre that night； but it
must be confessed that they were not of long continuance；
for she soon recollected； in the first place； that she was
without any excuse for staying at home； and； in the second；
that it was a play she wanted very much to see。
To the theatre accordingly they all went； no Tilneys
appeared to plague or please her； she feared that；
amongst the many perfections of the family； a fondness
for plays was not to be ranked； but perhaps it was because
they were habituated to the finer performances of the
London stage； which she knew； on Isabella's authority；
rendered everything else of the kind 〃quite horrid。〃
She was not deceived in her own expectation of pleasure；
the comedy so well suspended her care that no one；
observing her during the first four acts； would have supposed
she had any wretchedness about her。 On the beginning
of the fifth； however； the sudden view of Mr。 Henry Tilney
and his father； joining a party in the opposite box；
recalled her to anxiety and distress。 The stage could
no longer excite genuine merrimentno longer keep her
whole attention。 Every other look upon an average was
directed towards the opposite box； and； for the space
of two entire scenes； did she thus watch Henry Tilney；
without being once able to catch his eye。 No longer could
he be suspected of indifference for a play； his notice was
never withdrawn from the stage during two whole scenes。
At length； however； he did look towards her； and he
bowedbut such a bow！ No smile； no continued observance
attended it； his eyes were immediately returned to their
former direction。 Catherine was restlessly miserable；
she could almost have run round to the box in which he sat
and forced him to hear her explanation。 Feelings rather
natural than heroic possessed her； instead of considering
her own dignity injured by this ready condemnationinstead
of proudly resolving； in conscious innocence； to show her
resentment towards him who could harbour a doubt of it；
to leave to him all the trouble of seeking an explanation；
and to enlighten him on the past only by avoiding his sight；
or flirting with somebody elseshe took to herself all
the shame of misconduct； or at least of its appearance；
and was only eager for an opportunity of explaining
its cause。
The play concludedthe curtain fellHenry Tilney
was no longer to be seen where he had hitherto sat； but his
father remained； and perhaps he might be now coming round
to their box。 She was right； in a few minutes he appeared；
and； making his way through the then thinning rows；
spoke with like calm politeness to Mrs。 Allen and her friend。
Not with such calmness was he answered by the latter：
〃Oh！ Mr。 Tilney； I have been quite wild to speak to you；
and make my apologies。 You must have thought me so rude；
but indeed it was not my own fault； was it； Mrs。 Allen？
Did not they tell me that Mr。 Tilney and his sister were
gone out in a phaeton together？ And then what could I do？
But I had ten thousand times rather have been with you；
now had not I； Mrs。 Allen？〃
〃My dear； you tumble my gown；〃 was Mrs。 Allen's reply。
Her assurance； however； standing sole as it did；
was not thrown away； it brought a more cordial；
more natural smile into his counte