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loose and had wandered toward him in the dusk。
The rank and file did not care for picket duty。 Sam Bowenordered by
Lieutenant Clemens to go on guard one afternoondenounced his superior
and had to be threatened with court…martial and death。 Sam went finally；
but he sat in a hot open place and swore at the battalion and the war in
general； and finally went to sleep in the broiling sun。 These things
began to tell on patriotism。 Presently Lieutenant Clemens developed a
boil； and was obliged to make himself comfortable with some hay in a
horse…trough； where he lay most of the day； violently denouncing the war
and the fools that invented it。 Then word came that 〃General〃 Tom
Harris； who was in command of the district； was stopping at a farmhouse
two miles away； living on the fat of the land。
That settled it。 Most of them knew Tom Harris； and they regarded his
neglect of them as perfidy。 They broke camp without further ceremony。
Lieutenant Clemens needed assistance to mount Paint Brush； and the little
mule refused to cross the river； so Ab Grimes took the coil of rope；
hitched one end of it to his own saddle and the other end to Paint
Brush's neck。 Grimes was mounted on a big horse； and when he started it
was necessary for Paint Brush to follow。 Arriving at the farther bank；
Grimes looked around； and was horrified to see that the end of the rope
led down in the water with no horse and rider in view。 He spurred up the
bank； and the hat of Lieutenant Clemens and the ears of Paint Brush
appeared。
〃Ah；〃 said Clemens； as he mopped his face； 〃do you know that little devil
waded all the way across？〃
A little beyond the river they met General Harris； who ordered them back
to camp。 They admonished him to 〃go there himself。〃 They said they had
been in that camp and knew all about it。 They were going now where there
was foodreal food and plenty of it。 Then he begged them； but it was no
use。 By and by they stopped at a farm…house for supplies。 A tall； bony
woman came to the door：
〃You're secesh； ain't you？〃
They acknowledged that they were defenders of the cause and that they
wanted to buy provisions。 The request seemed to inflame her。
〃Provisions！〃 she screamed。 〃Provisions for secesh； and my husband a
colonel in the Union Army。 You get out of here！〃
She reached for a hickory hoop…pole that stood by the door； and the army
moved on。 When they arrived at Col。 Bill Splawn's that night Colonel
Splawn and his family had gone to bed； and it seemed unwise to disturb
them。 The hungry army camped in the barnyard and crept into the hay…loft
to sleep。 Presently somebody yelled 〃Fire！〃 One of the boys had been
smoking and started the hay。 Lieutenant Clemens suddenly wakened； made a
quick rolling movement from the blaze； and rolled out of a big hay…window
into the barnyard below。 The rest of the army； startled into action；
seized the burning hay and pitched it out of the same window。 The
lieutenant had sprained his ankle when he struck the ground； and his boil
was far from well； but when the burning hay descended he forgot his
disabilities。 Literally and figuratively this was the final straw。 With
a voice and vigor suited to the urgencies of the case； he made a spring
from under the burning stuff； flung off the remnants； and with them his
last vestige of interest in the war。 The others； now that the fire was；
out； seemed to think the incident boisterously amusing。 Whereupon the
lieutenant rose up and told them； collectively and individually； what he
thought of them； also he spoke of the war and the Confederacy； and of the
human race at large。 They helped him in； then； for his ankle was
swelling badly。 Next morning； when Colonel Splawn had given them a good
breakfast； the army set out for New London。
But Lieutenant Clemens never got any farther than Nuck Matson's farm…
house。 His ankle was so painful by that time that Mrs。 Matson had him
put to bed； where he stayed for several weeks； recovering from the injury
and stress of war。 A little negro boy was kept on watch for Union
detachmentsthey were passing pretty frequently nowand when one came
in sight the lieutenant was secluded until the danger passed。 When he
was able to travel； he had had enough of war and the Confederacy。 He
decided to visit Orion in Keokuk。 Orion was a Union abolitionist and
might lead him to mend his doctrines。
As for the rest of the army； it was no longer a unit in the field。 Its
members had drifted this way and that； some to return to their
occupations； some to continue in the trade of war。 Sam Bowen is said to
have been caught by the Federal troops and put to sawing wood in the
stockade at Hannibal。 Ab （A。 C。） Grimes became a noted Confederate spy
and is still among those who have lived to furnish the details here set
down。 Properly officered and disciplined； that detachment would have
made as brave soldiers as any。 Military effectiveness is a matter of
leaders and tactics。
Mark Twain's own Private History of a 'Campaign that Failed' is； of
course； built on this episode。 He gives us a delicious account； even if
it does not strikingly resemble the occurrence。 The story might have
been still better if he had not introduced the shooting of the soldier in
the dark。 The incident was invented； of course； to present the real
horror of war； but it seems incongruous in this burlesque campaign； and；
to some extent at least； it missed fire in its intention。
＇In a book recently published； Mark Twain's 〃nephew〃 is quoted as
authority for the statement that Mark Twain was detailed for river duty；
captured； and paroled； captured again； and confined in a tobacco…
warehouse in St。 Louis； etc。 Mark Twain had but one nephew： Samuel E。
Moffett； whose Biographical Sketch （vol。 xxii； Mark Twain's Works）
contains no such statement； and nothing of the sort occurred。＇
XXXI
OVER THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY
When Madame Caprell prophesied that Orion Clemens would hold office under
government； she must have seen with true clairvoyant vision。 The
inauguration of Abraham Lincoln brought Edward Bates into his Cabinet；
and Bates was Orion's friend。 Orion applied for something； and got it。
James W。 Nye had been appointed Territorial governor of Nevada； and Orion
was made Territorial secretary。 You could strain a point and refer to
the office as 〃secretary of state；〃 which was an imposing title。
Furthermore； the secretary would be acting governor in the governor's
absence； and there would be various subsidiary honors。 When Lieutenant
Clemens arrived in Keokuk； Orion was in the first flush of his triumph
and needed only money to carry him to the scene of new endeavor。 The
late lieutenant C。 S。 A。 had accumulated money out of his pilot salary；
and there was no comfortable place just then in the active Middle West
for an officer of either army who had voluntarily retired from the
service。 He agreed that if Orion would overlook his recent brief
defection from the Union and appoint him now as his （Orion's） secretary；
he would supply the funds for both overland passages； and they would
start with no unnecessary delay for a country so new t