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effectooal plan of helpin' it。
I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here； but I shall not
diskuss 'em with nobody。 Tear me to pieces with wild omnibus
hosses； and I won't diskuss 'em。 I've had quite enuff of 'em at
home； thank you。 I was at Birmingham t'other night； and went to
the great meetin' for a few minits。 I hadn't been in the hall
long when a stern…lookin' artisan said to me：
〃You ar from Wales！〃
No； I told him I didn't think I was。 A hidgyis tho't flasht over
me。 It was of that onprincipled taler； and I said； 〃Has my
clothin' a Welchy appearance？〃
〃Not by no means；〃 he answered； and then he said； 〃And what is
your opinyin of the present crisis？〃
I said； 〃I don't zackly know。 Have you got it very bad？〃
He replied； 〃Sir； it is sweepin' England like the Cymoon of the
Desert！〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃let it sweep！〃
He ceased me by the arm and said； 〃Let us glance at hist'ry。 It
is now some two thousand years〃
〃Is it； indeed？〃 I replied。
〃Listin！〃 he fiercely cried； 〃it is only a little over two
thousand years since〃
〃Oh； bother！〃 I remarkt； 〃let us go out and git some beer。〃
〃No； Sir。 I want no gross and sensual beer。 I'll not move from
this spot till I can vote。 Who ar you？〃
I handed him my card； which in addition to my name； contains a
elabrit description of my show。 〃Now； Sir；〃 I proudly said； 〃you
know me？〃
〃I sollumly swear；〃 he sternly replied； 〃that I never heard of
you； or your show； in my life！〃
〃And this man；〃 I cried bitterly； 〃calls hisself a intelligent
man； and thinks he orter be allowed to vote！ What a holler
mockery！〃
I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin' if he wants to。
It's a pleasant amoosement； no doubt； but there is those whose
igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be trustid
with a ballit any more'n one of my trained serpunts should be
trusted with a child to play with。
I went to the station with a view of returnin' to town on the
cars。
〃This way； Sir；〃 said the guard； 〃here you ar；〃 and he pinted to
a first…class carriage； the sole ockepant of which was a rayther
prepossessin' female of about 30 summers。
〃No； I thank you；〃 I earnestly replied； 〃I prefer to walk。〃
I am； dear Sir；
Very respectivly yours；
Artemus WArd。
5。3。 THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL。
MR。 PUNCH： My Dear Sir；It is now two weeks since a rayther
strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green Lion。 He
stated he was from the celebrated United States； but beyond this
he said nothin。 He seem'd to prefer sollytood。 He remained
mostly in his room； and whenever he did show hisself he walkt in
a moody and morose manner in the garding； with his hed bowed down
and his arms foldid across his brest。 He reminded me sumwhat of
the celebrated but onhappy 〃Mr。 Haller；〃 in the cheerful play of
〃The Stranger。〃 This man puzzled me。 I'd been puzzled afore
several times； but never so severally as now。 Mine Ost of the
Greenlion said I must interregate this strange bein； who claimed
to be my countryman。
〃He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's been in this ere
Ouse；〃 said the landlord。 〃I look to you；〃 he added； 〃to clear
up this dark； this orful mistry！〃
I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand； and told him to consider
the mistry cleared up。
I gained axes to the misterus bein's room； and by talkin sweet to
him for a few minits； I found out who he was。 Then returnin to
the lan'lord； who was nervisly pacin up and down the bar； I said；
〃Sweet ROLANDO； don't tremble no more！ I've torn the marsk from
the hawty stranger's face； and dived into the recesses of his
inmost sole！ He's a Trans…Mejim。〃
I'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin； and probly
the drammer I saw affected me； because I'm not in the habit of
goin on as per above。 I like the Beefanham theatre very much
indeed； because there a enthoosiastic lover of the theatre like
myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish。 Thus； while
your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble sentences of
the gifted artists； you can eat a biled mack'ril jest as
comfor'bly as in your own house。 I felt constrained； however； to
tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me； and who was
accompanied by a gin bottle； and a young infantI felt
constrained to tell that mother； when her infant playfully
mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is
left on my vener'ble hed； that I had a bottle of scented hair oil
at home； which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which her
orfspring was greasin me with。 This riled the excellent feamale；
and she said：
〃Git out！ You never was a infank yourself； I spose！ Oh no！ You
was too good to be a infank； you was！ You slid into the world
all ready grow'd； didn't you？ Git out！〃
〃No； Madam；〃 I replied； 〃I too was once a infant！ I was a luvly
child。 People used to come in large and enthoosiastic crowds
from all parts of the country to see me； I was such a sweet and
intel'gent infant。 The excitement was so intens； in fack； that a
extra hotel was startid in the town to accomodate the peple who
thronged to my cradle。〃 Havin finished these troothful
statemints； I smilt sweetly on the worthy female。 She said：
〃Drat you； what do you come a…chaffin me for？〃 and the estymible
woman was really gettin furis； when I mollyfied her by praisin
her child； and by axin pardin for all I'd said。
〃This little gal；〃 I observed； 〃this surprisingly lively gal
when〃 the mother said；
〃It's t'other sect is he； Sir： it's a boy。〃
〃Wall；〃 I said； 〃then this little boy； whose eye is like a eagle
a…soaring proudly in the azure sky； will some day be a man； if he
don't choke hisself to death in childhood's sunny hours with a
smelt or a bloater； or some other drefful calamity。 How surblime
the tho't； my dear Madam； that this infant as you fondle on your
knee on this night； may grow up into a free and independent
citizen； whose vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds；
accordin as suffrage may range at that joyous perid！〃
Let us now return； jentle reader； to the lan'lord of the Green
Lion； who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire。
Rubbin his hot face with a red handkercher； he said； 〃Is the
strange bein a American？〃
〃He is。〃
〃A Gen'ral？〃
〃No。〃
〃A Colonial？〃
〃No。〃
〃A Majer？〃
〃Not a Majer。〃
〃A Capting？〃
〃He is not。〃
〃A leftenant？〃
〃Not even that。〃
〃Then；〃 said the lan'lord of the Green Lion； 〃you ar deceeved！
He is no countryman of yours。〃
〃Why not？〃 I said。
〃I will tell you； Sir；〃 said the lan'lord。 〃My son…in…law is
employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to these
shores goes to git his drafts casht； and he says that not one has
arrived on these shores during the last 18 months as wasn't a
Gen'ral； a Colonial； a Majer； a Capting； or a leftenant！ This
man； as I said afore； has deceeved you！ He's a imposture！〃
I reeled into a chair。 For a minit I was speechlis。 At length I
murmured； 〃Alars！ I fear it is too troo！ Even I was a Capting
of the Home Gards。〃
〃To be sure；〃 said the