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as I am of the alternation of day and night； that there exists
close to me an invisible being who lives on milk and on water；
who can touch objects； take them and change their places； who is；
consequently； endowed with a material nature； although
imperceptible to sense； and who lives as I do； under my roof
August 7。 I slept tranquilly。 He drank the water out of my
decanter； but did not disturb my sleep。
I ask myself whether I am mad。 As I was walking just now in the
sun by the riverside； doubts as to my own sanity arose in me； not
vague doubts such as I have had hitherto； but precise and
absolute doubts。 I have seen mad people； and I have known some
who were quite intelligent； lucid； even clear…sighted in every
concern of life； except on one point。 They could speak clearly；
readily； profoundly on everything； till their thoughts were
caught in the breakers of their delusions and went to pieces
there； were dispersed and swamped in that furious and terrible
sea of fogs and squalls which is called MADNESS。
I certainly should think that I was mad； absolutely mad； if I
were not conscious that I knew my state； if I could not fathom it
and analyze it with the most complete lucidity。 I should； in
fact； be a reasonable man laboring under a hallucination。 Some
unknown disturbance must have been excited in my brain； one of
those disturbances which physiologists of the present day try to
note and to fix precisely； and that disturbance must have caused
a profound gulf in my mind and in the order and logic of my
ideas。 Similar phenomena occur in dreams； and lead us through the
most unlikely phantasmagoria； without causing us any surprise；
because our verifying apparatus and our sense of control have
gone to sleep； while our imaginative faculty wakes and works。 Was
it not possible that one of the imperceptible keys of the
cerebral finger…board had been paralyzed in me？ Some men lose the
recollection of proper names； or of verbs； or of numbers； or
merely of dates； in consequence of an accident。 The localization
of all the avenues of thought has been accomplished nowadays；
what； then； would there be surprising in the fact that my faculty
of controlling the unreality of certain hallucinations should be
destroyed for the time being？
I thought of all this as I walked by the side of the water。 The
sun was shining brightly on the river and made earth delightful；
while it filled me with love for life； for the swallows； whose
swift agility is always delightful in my eyes； for the plants by
the riverside； whose rustling is a pleasure to my ears。
By degrees； however； an inexplicable feeling of discomfort seized
me。 It seemed to me as if some unknown force were numbing and
stopping me； were preventing me from going further and were
calling me back。 I felt that painful wish to return which comes
on you when you have left a beloved invalid at home； and are
seized by a presentiment that he is worse。
I； therefore； returned despite of myself； feeling certain that I
should find some bad news awaiting me； a letter or a telegram。
There was nothing； however； and I was surprised and uneasy； more
so than if I had had another fantastic vision。
August 8。 I spent a terrible evening； yesterday。 He does not show
himself any more； but I feel that He is near me； watching me；
looking at me； penetrating me； dominating me； and more terrible
to me when He hides himself thus than if He were to manifest his
constant and invisible presence by supernatural phenomena。
However； I slept。
August 9。 Nothing； but I am afraid。
August 10。 Nothing； but what will happen to…morrow？
August 11。 Still nothing。 I cannot stop at home with this fear
hanging over me and these thoughts in my mind； I shall go away。
August 12。 Ten o'clock at night。 All day long I have been trying
to get away； and have not been able。 I contemplated a simple and
easy act of liberty； a carriage ride to Rouenand I have not
been able to do it。 What is the reason？
August 13。 When one is attacked by certain maladies； the springs
of our physical being seem broken； our energies destroyed； our
muscles relaxed； our bones to be as soft as our flesh； and our
blood as liquid as water。 I am experiencing the same in my moral
being； in a strange and distressing manner。 I have no longer any
strength； any courage； any self…control； nor even any power to
set my own will in motion。 I have no power left to WILL anything；
but some one does it for me and I obey。
August 14。 I am lost！ Somebody possesses my soul and governs it！
Somebody orders all my acts； all my movements； all my thoughts。 I
am no longer master of myself； nothing except an enslaved and
terrified spectator of the things which I do。 I wish to go out； I
cannot。 HE does not wish to； and so I remain； trembling and
distracted in the armchair in which he keeps me sitting。 I merely
wish to get up and to rouse myself； so as to think that I am
still master of myself： I cannot！ I am riveted to my chair； and
my chair adheres to the floor in such a manner that no force of
mine can move us。
Then suddenly； I must； I MUST go to the foot of my garden to pick
some strawberries and eat them and I go there。 I pick the
strawberries and I eat them！ Oh！ my God！ my God！ Is there a God？
If there be one； deliver me！ save me！ succor me！ Pardon！ Pity！
Mercy！ Save me！ Oh！ what sufferings！ what torture！ what horror！
August 15。 Certainly this is the way in which my poor cousin was
possessed and swayed； when she came to borrow five thousand
francs of me。 She was under the power of a strange will which had
entered into her； like another soul； a parasitic and ruling soul。
Is the world coming to an end？
But who is he； this invisible being that rules me； this
unknowable being； this rover of a supernatural race？
Invisible beings exist； then！ how is it； then； that since the
beginning of the world they have never manifested themselves in
such a manner as they do to me？ I have never read anything that
resembles what goes on in my house。 Oh！ If I could only leave it；
if I could only go away and flee； and never return； I should be
saved； but I cannot。
August 16。 I managed to escape to…day for two hours； like a
prisoner who finds the door of his dungeon accidentally open。 I
suddenly felt that I was free and that He was far away； and so I
gave orders to put the horses in as quickly as possible； and I
drove to Rouen。 Oh！ how delightful to be able to say to my
coachman： 〃Go to Rouen！〃
I made him pull up before the library； and I begged them to lend
me Dr。 Herrmann Herestauss's treatise on the unknown inhabitants
of the ancient and modern world。
Then； as I was getting into my carriage； I intended to say： 〃To
the railway station！〃 but instead of this I shoutedI did not
speak； but I shoutedin such a loud voice that all the
passers…by turned round： 〃Home！〃 and I fell back on to the
cushion of my carriage； overcome by mental agony。 He had found me
out and regained possession of me。
August 17。 Oh！ What a night！ what a night！ And yet it seems to me
that I ought to rejoice。 I read until one o'clock in the morning！
Herestauss； Doctor of Philosophy and Theogony； wrote the his