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sky； there came a magnificent Brazilian three…master； it was
perfectly white and wonderfully clean and shining。 I saluted it；
I hardly know why； except that the sight of the vessel gave me
great pleasure。
May 12。 I have had a slight feverish attack for the last few
days； and I feel ill； or rather I feel low…spirited。
Whence come those mysterious influences which change our
happiness into discouragement； and our self…confidence into
diffidence？ One might almost say that the air； the invisible air；
is full of unknowable Forces； whose mysterious presence we have
to endure。 I wake up in the best of spirits； with an inclination
to sing in my heart。 Why？ I go down by the side of the water； and
suddenly； after walking a short distance； I return home wretched；
as if some misfortune were awaiting me there。 Why？ Is it a cold
shiver which； passing over my skin； has upset my nerves and given
me a fit of low spirits？ Is it the form of the clouds； or the
tints of the sky； or the colors of the surrounding objects which
are so change…able； which have troubled my thoughts as they
passed before my eyes？ Who can tell？ Everything that surrounds
us； everything that we see without looking at it； everything that
we touch without knowing it； everything that we handle without
feeling it； everything that we meet without clearly
distinguishing it； has a rapid； surprising； and inexplicable
effect upon us and upon our organs； and through them on our ideas
and on our being itself。
How profound that mystery of the Invisible is！ We cannot fathom
it with our miserable senses： our eyes are unable to perceive
what is either too small or too great； too near to or too far
from us； we can see neither the inhabitants of a star nor of a
drop of water； our ears deceive us； for they transmit to us the
vibrations of the air in sonorous notes。 Our senses are fairies
who work the miracle of changing that movement into noise； and by
that metamorphosis give birth to music； which makes the mute
agitation of nature a harmony。 So with our sense of smell； which
is weaker than that of a dog； and so with our sense of taste；
which can scarcely distinguish the age of a wine！
Oh！ If we only had other organs which could work other miracles
in our favor； what a number of fresh things we might discover
around us！
May 16。 I am ill； decidedly！ I was so well last month！ I am
feverish； horribly feverish； or rather I am in a state of
feverish enervation； which makes my mind suffer as much as my
body。 I have without ceasing the horrible sensation of some
danger threatening me； the apprehension of some coming misfortune
or of approaching death； a presentiment which is no doubt； an
attack of some illness still unnamed； which germinates in the
flesh and in the blood。
May 18。 I have just come from consulting my medical man； for I
can no longer get any sleep。 He found that my pulse was high； my
eyes dilated； my nerves highly strung； but no alarming symptoms。
I must have a course of shower baths and of bromide of potassium。
May 25。 No change！ My state is really very peculiar。 As the
evening comes on； an incomprehensible feeling of disquietude
seizes me； just as if night concealed some terrible menace toward
me。 I dine quickly； and then try to read； but I do not understand
the words； and can scarcely distinguish the letters。 Then I walk
up and down my drawing…room； oppressed by a feeling of confused
and irresistible fear； a fear of sleep and a fear of my bed。
About ten o'clock I go up to my room。 As soon as I have entered I
lock and bolt the door。 I am frightenedof what？ Up till the
present time I have been frightened of nothing。 I open my
cupboards； and look under my bed； I listenI listento what？
How strange it is that a simple feeling of discomfort； of impeded
or heightened circulation； perhaps the irritation of a nervous
center； a slight congestion； a small disturbance in the imperfect
and delicate functions of our living machinery； can turn the most
light…hearted of men into a melancholy one； and make a coward of
the bravest？ Then； I go to bed； and I wait for sleep as a man
might wait for the executioner。 I wait for its coming with dread；
and my heart beats and my legs tremble； while my whole body
shivers beneath the warmth of the bedclothes； until the moment
when I suddenly fall asleep； as a man throws himself into a pool
of stagnant water in order to drown。 I do not feel this
perfidious sleep coming over me as I used to； but a sleep which
is close to me and watching me； which is going to seize me by the
head； to close my eyes and annihilate me。
I sleepa long timetwo or three hours perhapsthen a
dreamnoa nightmare lays hold on me。 I feel that I am in bed
and asleepI feel it and I know itand I feel also that
somebody is coming close to me； is looking at me； touching me； is
getting on to my bed； is kneeling on my chest； is taking my neck
between his hands and squeezing itsqueezing it with all his
might in order to strangle me。
I struggle； bound by that terrible powerlessness which paralyzes
us in our dreams； I try to cry outbut I cannot； I want to
moveI cannot； I try； with the most violent efforts and out of
breath； to turn over and throw off this being which is crushing
and suffocating meI cannot！
And then suddenly I wake up； shaken and bathed in perspiration； I
light a candle and find that I am alone； and after that crisis；
which occurs every night； I at length fall asleep and slumber
tranquilly till morning。
June 2。 My state has grown worse。 What is the matter with me？ The
bromide does me no good； and the shower…baths have no effect
whatever。 Sometimes； in order to tire myself out； though I am
fatigued enough already； I go for a walk in the forest of
Roumare。 I used to think at first that the fresh light and soft
air； impregnated with the odor of herbs and leaves； would instill
new life into my veins and impart fresh energy to my heart。 One
day I turned into a broad ride in the wood； and then I diverged
toward La Bouille； through a narrow path； between two rows of
exceedingly tall trees； which placed a thick； green； almost black
roof between the sky and me。
A sudden shiver ran through me； not a cold shiver； but a shiver
of agony； and so I hastened my steps； uneasy at being alone in
the wood； frightened stupidly and without reason； at the profound
solitude。 Suddenly it seemed as if I were being followed； that
somebody was walking at my heels； close； quite close to me； near
enough to touch me。
I turned round suddenly； but I was alone。 I saw nothing behind me
except the straight； broad ride； empty and bordered by high
trees； horribly empty； on the other side also it extended until
it was lost in the distance； and looked just the sameterrible。
I closed my eyes。 Why？ And then I began to turn round on one heel
very quickly； just like a top。 I nearly fell down； and opened my
eyes； the trees were dancing round me and the earth heaved； I was
obliged to sit down。 Then； ah！ I no longer remembered how I had
come！ What a strange idea！ What a strange； strange idea！ I did
not the least know。 I started off to the right； and got back into
the avenue which had led me