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Friday or Christmas Day happened to come in it … three times a week。
He was quite indifferent as to the particular kinds of dresses That the
clergyman wore at church where he used to go to pray； And whatever he
did in the way of relieving a chap's distresses； He always did in a nasty；
sneaking； underhanded； hole…and… corner sort of way。
I have known him indulge in profane； ungentlemanly emphatics； When
the Protestant Church has been divided on the subject of the proper width
of a chasuble's hem； I have even known him to sneer at albs … and as for
dalmatics； Words can't convey an idea of the contempt he expressed for
THEM。
He didn't believe in persons who； not being well off themselves； are
obliged to confine their charitable exertions to collecting money from
wealthier people； And looked upon individuals of the former class as
ecclesiastical hawks； He used to say that he would no more think of
interfering with his priest's robes than with his church or his steeple； And
that he did not consider his soul imperilled because somebody over whom
he had no influence whatever； chose to dress himself up like an
exaggerated GUY FAWKES。
This shocking old vagabond was so unutterably shameless That he
actually went a…courting a very respectable and pious middle…aged sister；
by the name of BIGGS。 She was a rather attractive widow； whose life as
such had always been particularly blameless； Her first husband had left
her a secure but moderate competence； owing to some fortunate
speculations in the matter of figs。
She was an excellent person in every way … and won the respect even
of MRS。 GRUNDY； She was a good housewife； too； and wouldn't have
wasted a penny if she had owned the Koh…i…noor。 She was just as strict as
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he was lax in her observance of Sunday； And being a good economist； and
charitable besides； she took all the bones and cold potatoes and broken
pie…crusts and candle…ends （when she had quite done with them）； and
made them into an excellent soup for the deserving poor。
I am sorry to say that she rather took to BLAKE … that outcast of
society； And when respectable brothers who were fond of her began to
look dubious and to cough； She would say； 〃Oh； my friends； it's because I
hope to bring this poor benighted soul back to virtue and propriety； And
besides； the poor benighted soul； with all his faults； was uncommonly well
off。
And when MR。 BLAKE'S dissipated friends called his attention to the
frown or the pout of her； Whenever he did anything which appeared to her
to savour of an unmentionable place； He would say that 〃she would be a
very decent old girl when all that nonsense was knocked out of her；〃 And
his method of knocking it out of her is one that covered him with disgrace。
She was fond of going to church services four times every Sunday； and；
four or five times in the week； and never seemed to pall of them； So he
hunted out all the churches within a convenient distance that had services
at different hours； so to speak； And when he had married her he positively
insisted upon their going to all of them； So they contrived to do about
twelve churches every Sunday； and； if they had luck； from twenty…two to
twenty…three in the course of the week。
She was fond of dropping his sovereigns ostentatiously into the plate；
and she liked to see them stand out rather conspicuously against the
commonplace half…crowns and shillings； So he took her to all the charity
sermons； and if by any extraordinary chance there wasn't a charity sermon
anywhere； he would drop a couple of sovereigns （one for him and one for
her） into the poor…box at the door； And as he always deducted the sums
thus given in charity from the housekeeping money； and the money he
allowed her for her bonnets and frillings； She soon began to find that even
charity； if you allow it to interfere with your personal luxuries； becomes an
intolerable bore。
On Sundays she was always melancholy and anything but good
society； For that day in her household was a day of sighings and sobbings
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and wringing of hands and shaking of heads： She wouldn't hear of a button
being sewn on a glove； because it was a work neither of necessity nor of
piety； And strictly prohibited her servants from amusing themselves； or
indeed doing anything at all except dusting the drawing… rooms； cleaning
the boots and shoes； cooking the parlour dinner； waiting generally on the
family； and making the beds。 But BLAKE even went further than that； and
said that people should do their own works of necessity； and not delegate
them to persons in a menial situation； So he wouldn't allow his servants to
do so much as even answer a bell。 Here he is making his wife carry up the
water for her bath to the second floor； much against her inclination； … And
why in the world the gentleman who illustrates these ballads has put him
in a cocked hat is more than I can tell。
After about three months of this sort of thing； taking the smooth with
the rough of it； （Blacking her own boots and peeling her own potatoes was
not her notion of connubial bliss）； MRS。 BLAKE began to find that she
had pretty nearly had enough of it； And came； in course of time； to think
that BLAKE'S own original line of conduct wasn't so much amiss。
And now that wicked person … that detestable sinner （〃BELIAL
BLAKE〃 his friends and well…wishers call him for his atrocities）； And his
poor deluded victim； whom all her Christian brothers dislike and pity so；
Go to the parish church only on Sunday morning and afternoon and
occasionally on a week…day； and spend their evenings in connubial
fondlings and affectionate reciprocities； And I should like to know where
in the world （or rather； out of it） they expect to go！
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Ballad： The Baby's Vengeance
Weary at heart and extremely ill Was PALEY VOLLAIRE of
Bromptonville； In a dirty lodging； with fever down； Close to the Polygon；
Somers Town。
PALEY VOLLAIRE was an only son （For why？