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〃I have been taught to love the good … The pure … the unalloyed … And
wicked boys； I've understood； I always should avoid。
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〃Why do I eat good children … why？ Because I love them so！〃 （But this
was empty sophistry； As your Papa can show。）
Now； though the learning of his friends Was truly not immense； They
had a way of fitting ends By rule of common sense。
〃Away； away！〃 his Mentors cried； 〃Thou uncongenial pest！ A quirk's a
thing we can't abide； A quibble we detest！
〃A fallacy in your reply Our intellect descries； Although we don't
pretend to spy Exactly where it lies。
〃In misery and penal woes Must end a glutton's joys； And learn how
ogres punish those Who dare to eat good boys。
〃Secured by fetter； cramp； and chain； And gagged securely … so … You
shall be placed in Drury Lane； Where only good lads go。
〃Surrounded there by virtuous boys； You'll suffer torture wus Than that
which constantly annoys Disgraceful TANTALUS。
（〃If you would learn the woes that vex Poor TANTALUS； down there；
Pray borrow of Papa an ex… Purgated LEMPRIERE。）
〃But as for BLAND who； as it seems； Eats only naughty boys； We've
planned a recompense that teems With gastronomic joys。
〃Where wicked youths in crowds are stowed He shall unquestioned
rule； And have the run of Hackney Road Reformatory School！〃
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Ballad： Little Oliver
EARL JOYCE he was a kind old party Whom nothing ever could put
out； Though eighty…two； he still was hearty； Excepting as regarded gout。
He had one unexampled daughter； The LADY MINNIE…HAHA
JOYCE； Fair MINNIE…HAHA； 〃Laughing Water；〃 So called from her
melodious voice。
By Nature planned for lover…capture； Her beauty every heart assailed；
The good old nobleman with rapture Observed how widely she prevailed
Aloof from all the lordly flockings Of titled swells who worshipped
her； There stood； in pumps and cotton stockings； One humble lover …
OLIVER。
He was no peer by Fortune petted； His name recalled no bygone age；
He was no lordling coronetted … Alas！ he was a simple page！
With vain appeals he never bored her； But stood in silent sorrow by …
He knew how fondly he adored her； And knew； alas！ how hopelessly！
Well grounded by a village tutor In languages alive and past； He'd say
unto himself； 〃Knee…suitor； Oh； do not go beyond your last！〃
But though his name could boast no handle； He could not every hope
resign； As moths will hover round a candle； So hovered he about her
shrine。
The brilliant candle dazed the moth well： One day she sang to her Papa
The air that MARIE sings with BOTHWELL In NEIDERMEYER'S
opera。
（Therein a stable boy； it's stated； Devoutly loved a noble dame； Who
ardently reciprocated His rather injudicious flame。）
And then； before the piano closing （He listened coyly at the door）； She
sang a song of her composing … I give one verse from half a score：
BALLAD
Why； pretty page； art ever sighing？ Is sorrow in thy heartlet lying？
Come； set a…ringing Thy laugh entrancing； And ever singing And ever
dancing。 Ever singing； Tra！ la！ la！ Ever dancing； Tra！ la！ la！ Ever singing；
ever dancing； Ever singing； Tra！ la！ la！
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He skipped for joy like little muttons； He danced like Esmeralda's kid。
（She did not mean a boy in buttons； Although he fancied that she did。）
Poor lad！ convinced he thus would win her； He wore out many pairs of
soles； He danced when taking down the dinner … He danced when bringing
up the coals。
He danced and sang （however laden） With his incessant 〃Tra！ la！ la！〃
Which much surprised the noble maiden； And puzzled even her Papa。
He nourished now his flame and fanned it； He even danced at work
below。 The upper servants wouldn't stand it； And BOWLES the butler told
him so。
At length on impulse acting blindly； His love he laid completely bare；
The gentle Earl received him kindly And told the lad to take a chair。
〃Oh； sir；〃 the suitor uttered sadly； 〃Don't give your indignation vent； I
fear you think I'm acting madly； Perhaps you think me insolent？〃
The kindly Earl repelled the notion； His noble bosom heaved a sigh；
His fingers trembled with emotion； A tear stood in his mild blue eye：
For； oh！ the scene recalled too plainly The half…forgotten time when he；
A boy of nine； had worshipped vainly A governess of forty…three！
〃My boy；〃 he said； in tone consoling； 〃Give up this idle fancy … do …
The song you heard my daughter trolling Did not； indeed； refer to you。
〃I feel for you； poor boy； acutely； I would not wish to give you pain；
Your pangs I estimate minutely； … I； too； have loved； and loved in vain。
〃But still your humble rank and station For MINNIE surely are not
meet〃 … He said much more in conversation Which it were needless to
repeat。
Now I'm prepared to bet a guinea； Were this a mere dramatic case； The
page would have eloped with MINNIE； But； no … he only left his place。
The simple Truth is my detective； With me Sensation can't abide； The
Likely beats the mere Effective； And Nature is my only guide。
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Ballad： Pasha Bailey Ben
A proud Pasha was BAILEY BEN； His wives were three； his tails were
ten； His form was dignified； but stout； Men called him 〃Little
Roundabout。〃
HIS IMPORTANCE
Pale Pilgrims came from o'er the sea To wait on PASHA BAILEY B。；
All bearing presents in a crowd； For B。 was poor as well as proud。
HIS PRESENTS
They brought him onions strung on ropes； And cold boiled beef； and
telescopes； And balls of string； and shrimps； and guns； And chops； and
tacks； and hats； and buns。
MORE OF THEM
They brought him white kid gloves； and pails； And candlesticks； and
potted quails； And capstan…bars； and scales and weights； And ornaments
for empty grates。
WHY I MENTION THESE
My tale is not of these … oh no！ I only mention them to show The
divers gifts that divers men Brought o'er the sea to BAILEY BEN。