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done； with joy）。
From JOHNNY escaped an expression of pain； But Jimmy said； 〃Done
with you！ I'll take you with pleasure； my EMILY JANE！〃 （And I would
have said so too）。
JOHN lay on the ground； and he roared like mad （For JOHNNY was
sore perplexed）； And he kicked very hard at a very small lad （Which I
often do； when vexed）。
For JOHN was on duty next day with the Force； To punish all Epsom
crimes； Young people WILL cross when they're clearing the course （I do it
myself； sometimes）。
* * * * * * * *
The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads； On maidens with gamboge
hair； On sharpers and pickpockets； swindlers and pads； （For I； with my
harp； was there）。
And JIMMY went down with his JANE that day； And JOHN by the
collar or nape Seized everybody who came in his way （And I had a narrow
escape）。
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He noticed his EMILY JANE with JIM； And envied the well…made elf；
And people remarked that he muttered 〃Oh； dim！〃 （I often say 〃dim！〃
myself）。
JOHN dogged them all day； without asking their leaves； For his
sergeant he told； aside； That JIMMY and JANE were notorious thieves
（And I think he was justified）。
But JAMES wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork； And JENNY would
blush with shame At stealing so much as a bottle or cork （A bottle I think
fair game）。
But； ah！ there's another more serious crime！ They wickedly strayed
upon The course； at a critical moment of time （I pointed them out to
JOHN）。
The constable fell on the pair in a crack … And then； with a demon
smile； Let JENNY cross over； but sent JIMMY back （I played on my harp
the while）。
Stern JOHNNY their agony loud derides With a very triumphant sneer
… They weep and they wail from the opposite sides （And I shed a silent
tear）。
And JENNY is crying away like mad； And JIMMY is swearing hard；
And JOHNNY is looking uncommonly glad （And I am a doggerel bard）。
But JIMMY he ventured on crossing again The scenes of our Isthmian
Games … JOHN caught him； and collared him； giving him pain （I felt very
much for JAMES）。
JOHN led him away with a victor's hand； And JIMMY was shortly
seen In the station…house under the grand Grand Stand （As many a time
I'VE been）。
And JIMMY； bad boy； was imprisoned for life； Though EMILY
pleaded hard； And JOHNNY had EMILY JANE to wife （And I am a
doggerel bard）。
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Ballad： The Perils Of Invisibility
OLD PETER led a wretched life … Old PETER had a furious wife； Old
PETER too was truly stout； He measured several yards about。
The little fairy PICKLEKIN One summer afternoon looked in； And
said； 〃Old PETER； how de do？ Can I do anything for you？
〃I have three gifts … the first will give Unbounded riches while you live；
The second health where'er you be； The third； invisibility。〃
〃O little fairy PICKLEKIN；〃 Old PETER answered with a grin； 〃To
hesitate would be absurd； … Undoubtedly I choose the third。〃
〃'Tis yours；〃 the fairy said； 〃be quite Invisible to mortal sight Whene'er
you please。 Remember me Most kindly； pray； to MRS。 P。〃
Old MRS。 PETER overheard Wee PICKLEKIN'S concluding word；
And； jealous of her girlhood's choice； Said； 〃That was some young
woman's voice：
Old PETER let her scold and swear … Old PETER； bless him； didn't
care。 〃My dear； your rage is wasted quite … Observe； I disappear from
sight！〃
A well…bred fairy （so I've heard） Is always faithful to her word： Old
PETER vanished like a shot； Put then … HIS SUIT OF CLOTHES DID
NOT！
For when conferred the fairy slim Invisibility on HIM； She popped
away on fairy wings； Without referring to his 〃things。〃
So there remained a coat of blue； A vest and double eyeglass too； His
tail； his shoes； his socks as well； His pair of … no； I must not tell。
Old MRS。 PETER soon began To see the failure of his plan； And then
resolved （I quote the Bard） To 〃hoist him with his own petard。〃
Old PETER woke next day and dressed； Put on his coat； and shoes；
and vest； His shirt and stock； BUT COULD NOT FIND HIS ONLY PAIR
OF … never mind！
Old PETER was a decent man； And though he twigged his lady's plan；
Yet； hearing her approaching； he Resumed invisibility。
〃Dear MRS。 P。； my only joy；〃 Exclaimed the horrified old boy； 〃Now；
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give them up； I beg of you … You know what I'm referring to！〃
But no； the cross old lady swore She'd keep his … what I said before …
To make him publicly absurd； And MRS。 PETER kept her word。
The poor old fellow had no rest； His coat； his stick； his shoes； his vest；
Were all that now met mortal eye … The rest； invisibility！
〃Now； madam； give them up； I beg … I've had rheumatics in my leg；
Besides； until you do； it's plain I cannot come to sight again！
〃For though some mirth it might afford To see my clothes without their
lord； Yet there would rise indignant oaths If he were seen without his
clothes！〃
But no； resolved to have her quiz； The lady held her own … and his …
And PETER left his humble cot To find a pair of … you know what。
But … here's the worst of the affair … Whene'er he came across a pair
Already placed for him to don； He was too stout to get them on！ So he
resolved at once to train； And walked and walked with all his main； For
years he paced this mortal earth； To bring himself to decent girth。
At night； when all around is still； You'll find him pounding up a hill；
And shrieking peasants whom he meets； Fall down in terror on the peats！
Old PETER walks through wind and rain； Resolved to train； and train；
and train； Until he weighs twelve stone' or so … And when he does； I'll let
you know。
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Ballad： Old Paul And Old Tim
When rival adorers come courting a maid； There's something or other
may often be said； Why HE should be pitched upon rather than HIM。 This
wasn't the case with Old PAUL and Old