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down； in wig and gown； On COBB； that haughty surgeon！〃
That Counsel learned in the laws； With passion almost trembled。 He
just had gained a mighty cause Before the Peers assembled！ Said he； 〃How
dare you have the face To come with Common Jury case To one who
wings rhetoric flings Before the Peers assembled？〃
Dispirited became our friend … Depressed his moral pecker … 〃But stay！
a thought！ … I'll gain my end； And save my poor exchequer。 I won't be
placed upon the shelf； I'll take it into Court myself； And legal lore display
before The Court of the Exchequer。〃
He found a Baron … one of those Who with our laws supply us … In wig
and silken gown and hose； As if at NISI PRIUS。 But he'd just given； off
the reel； A famous judgment on Appeal： It scarce became his heightened
fame To sit at NISI PRIUS。
Our friend began； with easy wit； That half concealed his terror：
〃Pooh！〃 said the Judge； 〃I only sit In BANCO or in Error。 Can you
suppose； my man； that I'd O'er NISI PRIUS Courts preside； Or condescend
my time to spend On anything but Error？〃
〃Too bad；〃 said GIBBS； 〃my case to shirk！ You must be bad innately；
To save your skill for mighty work Because it's valued greatly！〃 But here
he woke； with sudden start。
* * * * * * * *
He wrote to say he'd play the part。 I've but to tell he played it well …
The author's words … his native wit Combined； achieved a perfect 〃hit〃 …
The papers praised him greatly。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： The Two Majors
An excellent soldier who's worthy the name Loves officers dashing
and strict： When good； he's content with escaping all blame； When
naughty； he likes to be licked。
He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed； Or imprisoned for
several days； And hates； for a duty correctly performed； To be slavered
with sickening praise。
No officer sickened with praises his CORPS So little as MAJOR LA
GUERRE … No officer swore at his warriors more Than MAJOR
MAKREDI PREPERE。
Their soldiers adored them； and every grade Delighted to hear their
abuse； Though whenever these officers came on parade They shivered and
shook in their shoes。
For； oh！ if LA GUERRE could all praises withhold； Why； so could
MAKREDI PREPERE； And； oh！ if MAKREDI could bluster and scold；
Why； so could the mighty LA GUERRE。
〃No doubt we deserve it … no mercy we crave … Go on … you're
conferring a boon； We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave； Than
praised by a wretched poltroon！〃
MAKREDI would say that in battle's fierce rage True happiness only
was met： Poor MAJOR MAKREDI； though fifty his age； Had never
known happiness yet！
LA GUERRE would declare； 〃With the blood of a foe No tipple is
worthy to clink。〃 Poor fellow！ he hadn't； though sixty or so； Yet tasted his
favourite drink！
They agreed at their mess … they agreed in the glass … They agreed in
the choice of their 〃set；〃 And they also agreed in adoring； alas！ The
Vivandiere； pretty FILLETTE。
Agreement； you see； may be carried too far； And after agreeing all
round For years … in this soldierly 〃maid of the bar；〃 A bone of contention
they found！
It may seem improper to call such a pet … By a metaphor； even … a bone；
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The Bab Ballads
But though they agreed in adoring her； yet Each wanted to make her his
own。
〃On the day that you marry her；〃 muttered PREPERE （With a pistol he
quietly played）； 〃I'll scatter the brains in your noddle； I swear； All over the
stony parade！〃
〃I cannot do THAT to you；〃 answered LA GUERRE； 〃Whatever
events may befall； But this I CAN do … IF YOU wed her； MON CHER！ I'll
eat you； moustachios and all！〃
The rivals； although they would never engage； Yet quarrelled
whenever they met； They met in a fury and left in a rage； But neither took
pretty FILLETTE。
〃I am not afraid；〃 thought MAKREDI PREPERE： 〃For country I'm
ready to fall； But nobody wants； for a mere Vivandiere； To be eaten；
moustachios and all！
〃Besides； though LA GUERRE has his faults； I'll allow He's one of the
bravest of men： My goodness！ if I disagree with him now； I might disagree
with him then。〃
〃No coward am I；〃 said LA GUERRE； 〃as you guess … I sneer at an
enemy's blade； But I don't want PREPERE to get into a mess For
splashing the stony parade！〃
One day on parade to PREPERE and LA GUERRE Came
CORPORAL JACOT DEBETTE； And trembling all over； he prayed of
them there To give him the pretty FILLETTE。
〃You see； I am willing to marry my bride Until you've arranged this
affair； I will blow out my brains when your honours decide Which marries
the sweet Vivandiere！〃
〃Well； take her；' said both of them in a duet （A favourite form of reply）；
〃But when I am ready to marry FILLETTE。 Remember you've promised
to die！〃
He married her then： from the flowery plains Of existence the roses
they cull： He lived and he died with his wife； and his brains Are reposing
in peace in his skull。
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The Bab Ballads
Ballad： Emily； John； James； And I。
A Derby Legend
EMILY JANE was a nursery maid； JAMES was a bold Life Guard；
JOHN was a constable； poorly paid （And I am a doggerel bard）。
A very good girl was EMILY JANE； JIMMY was good and true；
JOHN was a very good man in the main （And I am a good man too）。
Rivals for EMMIE were JOHNNY and JAMES； Though EMILY liked
them both； She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims （And I couldn't
take my oath）。
But sooner or later you're certain to find Your sentiments can't lie hid …
JANE thought it was time that she made up her mind （And I think it was
time she did）。
Said JANE； with a smirk； and a blush on her face； 〃I'll promise to wed
the boy Who takes me to…morrow to Epsom Race！〃 （Which I would have
done； with joy）。
From JOHNNY escaped an expression of pain； But Jimmy said； 〃Done
with you！ I'll take you with