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unwell； but sad and weary； more dejected than ever before； unable to
bear the sight of flowers or the sound of music； and evidently
suffering much under the recurrence of the season； which had been that
of her great happinessthe summer sunshine； the long evenings； the
nightingale's songs。 She was fatigued by the most trifling exertion；
and seemed able to take interest in nothing but her baby； and a young
widow in the village； who was in a decline； and though she was willing
to do all that was asked of her； it was in a weary； melancholy manner；
as if she had no peace but in being allowed to sit alone； drooping over
her child。
From society she especially shrunk； avoiding every chance of meeting
visitors； and distressed and harassed when her father brought home some
of his casual dinner guests； and was vexed not to see her come into the
drawing…room in the evening。 If she did make the effort of coming； to
please him； she was so sure to be the worse for it； that her mother
would keep her up…stairs the next time； and try to prevent her from
knowing that her father was put out； and declared it was nonsense to
expect poor Amy to get up her spirits； while she never saw a living
soul； and only sat moping in the dressing…room。
A large dinner…party did not interfere with her； for even he could not
expect her to appear at it； and one of these he gave during Philip's
visit； for the pleasure of exhibiting such company as the M。P。 for
Moorworth。 After dinner； Charlotte told Mary Ross to go and see Amy。
Not finding her in the dressing…room； she knocked at her own door。
'Come in；' answered the low soft voice； and in the window； overhung by
the long shoots of the roses； Amabel's close cap and small head were
seen against the deep…blue evening sky； as she sat in the summer
twilight； her little one asleep in her cot。
'Thank you for coming；' said she。 'I thought you would not mind
sitting here with baby and me。 I have sent Anne out walking。'
'How pretty she looks！' said Mary； stooping over the infant。 'Sleep is
giving her quite a colour； and how fast she grows！'
'Poor little woman！' said Amy； sighing。
'Tired； Amy？' said Mary； sitting down； and taking up the little
lambswool shoe； that Amy had been knitting。
'Nno； thank you；' said Amy； with another sigh。
'I am afraid you are。 You have been walking to Alice Lamsden's again。'
'I don't think that tires me。 Indeed； I believe the truth is；' and her
voice sounded especially sad in the subdued tone in which she spoke；
that she might not disturb the child； 'I am not so much tired with what
I do； which is little enough； as of the long； long life that is before
me。'
Mary's heart was full； but she did not show her thought otherwise than
by a look towards the babe。
'Yes； poor little darling；' said Amabel； 'I know there is double
quantity to be done for her； but I am so sorry for her； when I think
she must grow up without knowing him。'
'She has you； though；' Mary could not help saying； as she felt that
Amabel was superior to all save her husband。
Perhaps Amy did not hear； she went up to the cot； and went on：'If he
had but once seen her； if she had but had one kiss； one touch that I
could tell her of by and by； it would not seem as if she was so very
fatherless。 Oh no； baby； I must wait； that you may know something
about； him； for no one else can tell you so well what he was； though I
can't tell much！' She presently returned to her seat。 'No； I don't
believe I really wish I was like poor Alice；' said she； 'I hope not； I
am sure I don't for her sake。 But； Mary； I never knew till I was well
again how much I had reckoned on dying when she was born。 I did not
think I was wishing it； but it seemed likely； and I was obliged to
arrange things in case of it。 Then somehow； as he came back last
spring； after that sad winter； it seemed as if this spring； though he
would not come back to me； I might be going to him。'
'But then she comforted you。'
'Yes； that she did； my precious one； I was so glad of her； it was a
sort of having him again； and so it is still sometimes； and will be
more so； I dare say。 I am very thankful for her； indeed I am； and I
hope I am not repining； for it does not signify after all； in the end；
if I am weary and lonely sometimes。 I wish I was sure it was not
wrong。 I know I don't wish to alter things。'
'No； I am sure you don't。'
'Ah！' said Amabel； smiling； 'it is only the old； silly little Amy that
does feel such a heart…aching and longing for one glance of his eye； or
touch of his hand； or sound of his foot in the passage。 Oh； Mary； the
worst of all is to wake up； after dreaming I have heard his voice。
There is nothing for it but to take our baby and hold her very tight。'
'Dearest Amy！ But you are not blaming yourself for these feelings。 It
might be wrong to indulge them and foster them； but while you struggle
with them； they can't in themselves be wrong。'
'I hope not；' said Amabel pausing to think。 'Yes； I have 〃the joy〃 at
the bottom still； I know it is all quite right； and it came straight
from heaven； as he said。 I can get happy very often when I am by
myself； or at church； with him； it is only when I miss his bright
outside and can't think myself into the inner part； that it is so
forlorn and dreary。 I can do pretty well alone。 Only I wish I could
help being so troublesome and disagreeable to everybody' said Amy；
concluding in a matter…of…fact tone。
'My dear！' said Mary； almost laughing。
'It is so stupid of me to be always poorly； and making mamma anxious
when there's nothing the matter with me。 And I know I am a check on
them down…stairspapa； and Charlotte； and allthey are very kind；
considerate； and yet'she paused'and it is a naughty feeling； but
when I feel all those dear kind eyes watching me always； and wanting me
to be happy； it is rather oppressive； especially when I can't； but if I
try not to disappoint them； I do make such a bad hand of it； and am
sure to break down afterwards； and that grieves mamma all the more。'
'It will be better when this time of year is over；' said Mary。
'Perhaps； yes。 He always seemed to belong to summer days； and to come
with them。 Well； I suppose trials always come in a different shape
from what one expects； for I used to think I could bear all the doom
with him； but； I did not know it would be without him； and yet that is
the best。 Oh； baby！'
'I should not have come to disturb her。'
'Nonever mind； she never settles fairly to sleep till we are shut in
by ourselves。 Hush！ hush； darlingNo？ Will nothing do but being
taken up？ Well； then； there！ Come； and show your godmamma what a
black fringe those little wakeful eyes are getting。'
And when Mary went down it was with the conviction that those black
eyelashes； too marked to he very prett