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生命不能承受之轻-第30章

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 Now she was surrounded by men she did not care for in the slightest。 What would making love with them be like? She yearned to try it; if only in the form of that no…guarantee promise called flirting。
Let there be no mistake: Tereza did not wish to take revenge on Tomas; she merely wished to find a way out of the maze。 She knew that she had become a burden to him: she took things too seriously; turning everything into a tragedy; and failed to grasp the lightness and amusing insignificance of physical love。 How she wished she could learn lightness! She yearned for someone to help her out of her anachronistic shell。
If for some women flirting is second nature; insignificant; routine; for Tereza it had developed into an important field of research with the goal of teaching her who she was and what she was capable of。 But by making it important and serious; she deprived it of its lightness; and it became forced; labored; overdone。 She disturbed the balance between promise and lack of guarantee (which; when maintained; is a sign of flirtistic virtuosity); she promised too ardently; and without making it clear that the promise involved no guarantee on her part。 Which is another way of saying that she gave everyone the impression of being there for the taking。 But when men responded by asking for what they felt they had been promised; they met with strong resistance; and their only explanation for it was that she was deceitful and malicious。
9
One day; a boy of about sixteen perched himself on a bar stool and dropped a few provocative phrases that stood out in the general conversation like a false line in a drawing; a line that can be neither continued nor erased。
That's some pair of legs you've got there。 
So you can see through wood! she fired back。 I've watched you in the street; he responded; but by then she had turned away and was serving another customer。 When she had finished; he ordered a cognac。 She shook her head。 But I'm eighteen! he objected。 May I see your identification card? Tereza said。 You may not; the boy answered。 Then how about a soft drink? said Tereza。 Without a word; the boy stood up from the bar stool and left。 He was back about a half hour later。 With exaggerated gestures; he took a seat at the bar。 There was enough alcohol on his breath to cover a ten…foot radius。 Give me that soft drink; he commanded。
Why; you're drunk! said Tereza。 The boy pointed to a sign hanging on the wall behind Tereza's back: Sale of Alcoholic Beverages to Minors Is Strictly Prohibited。 You are prohibited from serving me alcohol; he said; sweeping his arm from the sign to Tereza; but I am not prohibited from being drunk。 
Where did you get so drunk? Tereza asked。 In the bar across the street; he said; laughing; and asked again for a soft drink。
Well; why didn't you stay there? Because I wanted to look at you; he said。 I love you! His face contorted oddly as he said it; and Tereza had trouble deciding whether he was sneering; making advances; or joking。 Or was he simply so drunk that he had no idea what he was saying?
She put the soft drink down in front of him and went back to her other customers。 The I love you! seemed to have exhausted the boy's resources。 He emptied his glass in silence; left money on the counter; and slipped out before Tereza had time to look up again。
A moment after he left; a short; bald…headed man; who was on his third vodka; said; You ought to know that serving young people alcohol is against the law。 
I didn't serve him alcohol! That was a soft drink! 
I saw what you slipped into it! 
What are you talking about? 
Give me another vodka; said the bald man; and added; I've had my eye on you for some time now。 
Then why not be grateful for the view of a beautiful woman and keep your mouth shut? interjected a tall man who had stepped up to the bar in time to observe the entire scene。
You stay out of this! shouted the bald man。 What business is it of yours? 
And what business is it of yours; if I may ask? the tall man retorted。
Tereza served the bald man his vodka。 He downed it at one gulp; paid; and departed。
Thank you; said Tereza to the tall man。
Don't mention it; said the tall man; and went his way; too。
10
A few days later; he turned up at the bar again。 When she saw him; she smiled at him like a friend。 Thanks again。 That bald fellow comes in all the time。 He's terribly unpleasant。 
Forget him。 
What makes him want to hurt me? 
He's a petty little drunk。 Forget him。 
If you say so。 
The tall man looked in her eyes。 Promise? 
I promise。 
I like hearing you make me promises; he said; still looking in her eyes。
The flirtation was on: the behavior leading another to believe that sexual intimacy is possible; even though the possibility itself remains in the realm of theory; in suspense。
What's a beautiful girl like you doing in the ugliest part of Prague? 
And you? she countered。 What are you doing in the ugliest part of Prague? 
He told her he lived nearby。 He was an engineer and had stopped off on his way home from work the other day by sheer chance。
11
When Tereza looked at Tomas; her eyes went not to his eyes but to a point three or four inches higher; to his hair; which gave off the aroma of other women's groins。
I can't take it anymore; Tomas。 I know I shouldn't complain。 Ever since you came back to Prague for me; I've forbidden myself to be jealous。 I don't want to be jealous。 I suppose I'm just not strong enough to stand up to it。 Help me; please! 
He put his arm in hers and took her to the park where years before they had gone on frequent walks。 The park had red; blue; and yellow benches。 They sat down。
I understand you。 I know what you want; said Tomas。 I've taken care of everything。 All you have to do is climb Petrin Hill。 
Petrin Hill? She felt a surge of anxiety。 Why Petrin Hill? 
You'll see when you get up there。 
She was terribly upset about the idea of going。 Her body was so weak that she could scarcely lift it off the bench。 But she was constitutionally unable to disobey Tomas。 She forced herself to stand。
She looked back。 He was still sitting on the bench; smiling at her almost cheerfully。 With a wave of the hand he signaled her to move on。
12
Coming out at the foot of Petrin Hill; that great green mound rising up in the middle of Prague; she was surprised to find it devoid of people。 This was strange; because at other times half of Prague seemed to be milling about。 It made her anxious。 But the hill was so quiet and the quiet so comforting that she yielded fully to its embrace。 On her way up; she paused several times to look back: below her she saw the towers and bridges; the saints were shaking their fists and lifting their stone eyes to the clouds。 It was the most beautiful city in the world。
At last she reached the top。 Beyond the ice…cream and souvenir stands (none of which happened to be open) stretched a broad lawn spotted here and there with trees。 She noticed several men on the lawn。 The closer she came to them; the slower she walked。 There were six in all。 They were standing or strolling along at a leisurely pace like golfers looking over the course and weighing various clubs in their hands; trying to get into the proper frame of mind for a mat
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